the view from my hospital window and a friend holding a trans ally workbook
Day 2 Breakfast
Yahaira gets me walking while the nurses change my sheets.
The first walk was to the front door and back. On the second walk, I removed my gown and saw myself in the mirror for the first time since surgery revealing my naked body with sutures, black foam, tape, and tubes covering my vagina. But no dick. No more dick.
i spent three nights at the hospital and on the fourth day, i was cleared to be discharged from the hospital so i can recover in my own bed at home. while i loved the hospital nursing staff, i was getting tired of the stuffy hospital environment. most patients don’t have a bowel movement for a week but it turns out my system was up for the task. i also wanted the help of the hospital staff in case anything went wrong. they gave me some prune juice and that seemed to help carry along things. i called for the staff to come in and when i sat down on the toilet i reflexively tried to tuck my Penis into the toilet bowl but now it’s a phantom sensation and its only presence was muscle memory. i had no problems gettings things going but the ventilation in the tiled bathroom was poor which triggered my nausea and sitting on the toilet was very uncomfortable as well as pushing which triggered some pins and needles somewhere. i call for the nurse and immediately felt like i was fading and my vision getting blurry and white and my hearing sounding more distant like i had a set of earplugs in. the nurse helps me up and wipes my ass and we slowly make our way back to the bed so i could get my bearings again. Your Face Looked Pale, I Got There Just In Time. i’m handed juice and it helps bring me back for the trip home.
You’ll Be Walking From Here To The Entrance Downstairs. sounds good, i can’t wait to get home.
my dad and step mom brought their suitcases so they can go straight to airport after visiting me one last time at the hospital. we take photos while i’m lying in the hospital bed and he looks at me and says:
I Finally Got My Girl.
they leave and i’m feeling a little exhausted from the day’s events. Yasme the RN angel on duty hands me discharge instructions along with prescriptions for tylenol for pain, gabapentin for nerve pain, oxycodone for mega pain, colace for stool softening, keflex for anti-biotics, and metronidazole for vaginal dilation. hardware: i’m handed what Yahaira calls my Gucci bag in the form of a black carry-case for my wound vac, a catheter bag, and a set of sole source dilators. Yasme teaches my partner and my spooky girlfriend how to empty the catheter bag. since i’m already looking insane with these tubes hanging out of me, i complete the look with my turquiose sweatshirt that says Good Girl Gone Rad printed in some kind of Diner Typeface underneath a white bathrobe because my friend Shannon says that it’s stock for lesbians so i ditch the gown for its cotton embrace.
i call the nurse because it’s time to get blow this joint.
hey i’m ready to get up out of here
Okay Great We’ll Be Right Back To Discharge You
my partner leaves the hospital room to get the lesbaru which is parked down the street. we’ll time it so that she can pull up in front of the hospital and i can jump in the car.
Yahaira comes back in with a wheelchair.
Here’s Your Chariot! Are You Ready To Go Home?
yes but i thought i was going to walk
Okay We Can Try Walking
yeah let’s do it
we have this routine of getting out of bed: i plant my left foot on the ground and grab Yahaira’s arm with my right hand and use the leverage from my left foot to lift myself up and then balance with my right foot. we do this dance routine and i’m upright again.
i make my way down the hall with my spooky girlfriend and Yahaira and we enter the elevator to descend from the 8th floor to the ground floor. i waddle past the security desk and we wait at the front door until my partner shows up in the lesbaru.
You’re Breathing A Little Harder Are You Feeling Okay?
yeah i’m fine i just need to get in the car
a few very long minutes pass and a black SUV pulls up in the standing zone in front of the hospital which means i’ll be walking a little further. a longer moment passes and we spot the lesbaru.
alright that our ride let’s jump in.
i waddle out onto the sidewalk and feel all the energy of the new york city street at 4pm. i feel slightly more insane in my bathrobe and good girl gone rad sweatshirt.
the floor starts to spin and my nausea kicks in. i vomit on the sidewalk. i hear some school kids react behind me
Yo You See Her? She Just Yacked On The Street!
i feel pretty good after that, first time out post-op and the new york streets are already getting my gender right.
the roads weren’t as nice and the ride was bumpy on my new parts. thankfully they sent me home with the wound vac which soaked up all the blood. i was worried about climbing into the lesbaru but my spooky girlfriend helped with getting out of the truck. my apartment is on the ground floor so in New York that means i’m only going up a storey before i’m in. i climb into bed and i’m pretty much done for the day. my spooky girlfriend and i watch Training Day and we try to stay on top of the meds schedule.
being home was nice but the tubes were a pain in the ass. the visiting nurse that came the next day was a sweetheart. she fucked with my catheter and took the tube off the plastic holder because it wasn’t draining properly. it only happened once but my partner was empyting the bag and lifted the tube up and it started to drain the wrong way. my urethra is strictly one way and the wrongway piss was a multi-car pileup.
on sunday, a loud alarm went off on the wound vac. my spooky girlfriend and i check the manual and there’s an air leak. i call the surgeon’s office and they say i should lay some tape on the spot where air is coming out. we half ass someting with packing tape and the alarm stops. a little stressful but mostly from the alarm sounds.
on Monday, my spooky girlfriend made me a smoker’s breakfast which was a nice pile of sunny eggs, hot sauce, and green onions.
tuesday is the big reveal. i have an appointment with Ting in the afternoon to remove all the tubes, tape, and packing (in that order). it sounds painful and i heard from other people it’s pretty painful so I break half an OC before i get to Ting’s office. i waddle up from the street into mt sinai at union square, carrying my gucci bag and my spooky girlfriend has the catheter bag. i look pretty insane with all these tubes but the walk feels great. i slowly make my way to the surgeon’s office on the second floor and they take me in right away. i’m feeling a little exhausted and take the remaining broken off OC. i’m led down the hall by katrina and she takes me to the same room where I got laser’d.
i lay down on the bed with stirups and she tells me we’re going to remove the tape, the tubes, and packing. i start breathing and my partner wants to hold my hand. i keep taking deep breaths and the tape removal is pretty awful. next comes the catheter. she pulls it in one clean motion and it feels like i’m being abducted by aliens and it was a feeling unlike any other. the packing comes next and James the PA comes into the room to handle that. he’s very calm, very meticulous, and he’s slowly removing the packing. it goes on for a few minutes as a seemingly miles amount of gauze are removed from my vagina. my partner’s jaw is still on the floor and James hands me a mirror.
Go Ahead And Take A Look.